A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

No samba, no chanting and best of all-no vuvuzela! These sound like the in house rules of a  ballet dance or darts game and not a soccer game, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. The World Blind Soccer Championships are underway and I am up for them. Thinking of taking an extended leave till the Championships are over.

So, they have done away with the monotonous sonic assault of the vuvuzela from the  FIFA World cup. I know I  still have a buzz in my ears that the good doctor called ‘tinnitus’. Its like a heretic purpose driven resident bee is trying to settle an Olympics vendetta against a pack of charismatic crickets. The most I can remember of the last World cup was that horrible  bird’s eye view camera incorporated  to only induce nausea and scincillating vertigo in we near sighted soccer fans who like sitting very close to television sets. And did I hear FIFA want to introduce goal line video technology and more obtuse angle cameras? But Why?

So you will appreciate my excitement when I tell you that the World Blind Soccer Championships will have none of these shenanigans. Its just going to be plain football with no frills.

Whereas mainstream football around the world is played amidst a colourful sonic backdrop – be it chanting, samba bands or a chorus of vuvuzelas – the quiet in the blind version of the game is striking.

Etiquette dictates that spectators remain quiet unless the ball goes out of play because players need to be able to hear each other and, crucially, the ball. It contains ball bearings which means its motion makes a gentle rattling noise that helps players to locate it. -BBC News

Of course the game is different with a few tweaks. First off, the ball contains audible ball bearings while he pitch is surrounded by a rebound wall. The game requires alot of sensory awareness. Players will call out “yeah” and their names to make teammates aware of their presence. You therefore have to discern who is mimicing a teammate in bid to con you out of releasing the ball to an enemy striker right in front of your own goal. And to add some zing to the game, the rules stipulate the players must call out “voy!” – meaning “I’m here” – as they approach to tackle. You can now understand why liberals, progressives and emergents really hate such preposterous rules.

A big part of me sides with the liberals and emergents – imagine the excitement and exhilarating suspense that would ensue if a vuvuzela were blown for two minutes in such a game. The mutual trust between teammates would be beautifully tested and the sense of sensory discernment would be interestingly harder to map. The referee would run into the goal keeper. Defenders would kick the ball into their own nets and injury time or extra time would be such a ‘must watch’. Come to think of it, I think banning the vuvuzela is just another marketing ploy by the basket ball, baseball and tennis loving fat cat. These are frivolous and despicable strategies  introduced just to kill the passion in soccer and stifle the growth of  franchise. Afterall have you ever heard of blind basket ball or tennis championships? Nope. Not even baseball.

Well, one thing we shall enjoy with the banning of vuvuzelas is loud and clear whinging and moaning of the losers at every scoreline. Remember those same old excuses?  That, the ball is not round or the ground is tilted against the losing team or even that lame old excuse -we need goal line technology when the ball hits the cross bar.  All will be audible in 3-D HD silence.  And one other thing, Soccer is not only about what goes on on the pitch. Some of us use such events for open air preaching, picketing, prosletysing and blowing praise songs on vuvuzelas (when winning). I think the World Blind Soccer Championships should reconsider introducing the vuvuzela. Just one more time, innit? What is football afterall without controversy,  atmosphere and a little excitement.  N’est-ce pas?