A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

Reformed. Christianity. Evangelism. Modern Culture.

Well You Might Just Be A Calvinist If…

On a lighter note I hope this keeps you chuckling in bed tonight:

You Might Just Be A Calvinist If….

If your child’s first word was “Westminster”… you just might be a Calvinist.

If your 4 year old can explain what the word “propitiation” means… you might just be a Calvinist.

If you send your mother tulips on Mother’s Day… you might be a Calvinist.

If your passion for evangelism blows away your Arminian friends… you might just be a (true) Calvinist.

If you cringe every time you hear someone proclaim “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life! Choose Jesus!”… you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever wanted to attend a Benny Hinn crusade just so you could stand up and shout “Ichabod!!”… you might just be a Calvinist.

If you purposefully read a book to be convicted… you might just be a Calvinist.

If you have to order theological books online because no one at the Christian bookstore has ever heard of them… you might just be a Calvinist.

If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons… you might be a Calvinist.

If you were shocked to just discover that some people download MP3 files that are not sermons… you might be a Calvinist.

If your preacher says to turn to Obadiah and you do not use the index… you might be a Calvinist.

If your teenagers are excited that your church’s youth group is learning Biblical theology and being spiritually challenged instead of playing stupid games and eating pizza…. you might just be a Calvinist.

If you think a 50-minute sermon is too short… you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever heard a wave of groans sweep through Sunday School when you refer to Romans 9… you might be a Calvinist.

If you find yourself talking to the Lord Jesus more than to your family… you might be a Calvinist.

If you get irritated when you visit a Christian bookstore and ask where they keep the books on deeper theology and they point you to the Joel Osteen section… you might just be a Calvinist.

If you find yourself wanting to read your Bible instead of watching television… you might be a Calvinist.

If your Bibles must be replaced in less than a year due to pages separating from the spine…you might be a Calvinist.

If you smile, nod and hold your tongue with your teeth after a lively church service when someone says, “God showed up today”… you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever shouted “YES!” when the pastor says to turn to 1st Thessalonians…you might be a Calvinist.

If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture… you might be a Calvinist.

If your kids own more Bibles than televisions… you might be a Calvinist.

If your children never ask you “Where are we going?” on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night… you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever read parts of “The Bondage of the Will” to children under ten and prayed that it would change their lives… you might be a Calvinist.

Excerpt from You Might Just Be a Calvinist If…

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12 responses to “Well You Might Just Be A Calvinist If…

  1. Born4Battle April 11, 2011 at 22:40

    Excellent!

  2. Michael Coughlin April 15, 2011 at 03:16

    That was fun, thanks!

  3. Ken April 17, 2011 at 00:56

    If you answer “Yes” to all the questions except the Westminster and the tulips, you might be a Lutheran.

    • Michael Acidri April 17, 2011 at 12:38

      Lol. Lutherans are closet calvinists.

    • NeRombaGundeNatalie April 22, 2011 at 06:35

      LOL..so true 🙂

  4. Rebecka April 26, 2011 at 14:33

    You forgot one sign of being a Calvinist: you see nothing wrong in the fact that John Calvin murdered Michael Servetus.

    • Michael Acidri April 26, 2011 at 15:33

      Rebecka,
      Calvin was a witness in a civil trial against Michael Servetus. In that day and age heresy was a civil offense damnable by death (being burnt on the stake0. Calvin pleaded with Servetus to renounce his heretical views on the trinity among several things but to no avail. When the geneva authorities finally caught up with him he was found guilty of the crime of heresy. Ofcourse things have changed today and there is a separation of state and church. If you were on the witness stand I believe you would be under oath to tell the truth and probably you (Rebecca) may have done better than Calvin. And just one correction Calvinists do not follow Calvin…they follow tenents of biblical christianity as taught by Jesus, Paul, the church fathers and as fought for by the reformers (like Calvin, Luther, Zwingli and many more). Thanks for passing by.

  5. phillip james munroe III July 3, 2011 at 14:31

    Much of these are affirmatively answered by many a non-calvanist.

  6. pstok October 11, 2011 at 23:18

    What about infra and supra lapsarianism? You might be a Cavinist if … you hold a position on this.

    • Ken Howes October 12, 2011 at 08:24

      @pstok, yes, that infra and supra lapsarianism would do it. Or if he says “reprobate.”

  7. Prayson Daniel August 4, 2012 at 18:51

    My wife score me 80% of the list. Thank you so much for bring a smile 🙂

  8. Truthinator September 13, 2012 at 10:56

    What if your primary school-aged children take the Gospel to the Catholic kids in your neighborhood in truth with love? (true story)

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