A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

Reformed. Christianity. Evangelism. Modern Culture.

Category Archives: Satire

Why Do We Say Grace Before Meals?

Isn’t it rather odd in it self that we have different meanings for “Grace” these days? Just saying… 🙂

[HT to Facebook Friends]

Top Ten Reasons Not To Join A Reformed Baptist Church.

If you are church shopping [this article was first published in OCTOBER 2011] or looking for a local Christian fellowship a Reformed Baptist Church may not be your cup of tea 🙂

Well you see, Dr. James White has (honestly) noted that in a Reformed Baptist Church…

  1. You don’t get to leave after every sermon feeling good about yourself. You may even desire repentance.
  2. You don’t get to hear the sermons in the same way you may be used to. It’s frequently verse by verse, maybe not even relevant to your current situation.
  3. You don’t get to be entertained. We don’t want to entertain you. Read more of this post

Best Easter Caption: A Roman soldier’s recollection [German subtitles]

On a lighter note:

20130401-171603.jpg Loosely translated:

Dude? If it wasn’t you then who said “Good Morning”?

HT Jim West.

Preparing for a (Humorous) Reformed Baptist Christmas!

This is an old humorous clip. It features a Baptist Church singing about Christmas (Er, plus 12 Doctrines that their pastor taught them). The kids seem to learn an earful in one seating…Please, sing along! 🙂

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It’s December and the battle for Christmas and Nativity Scenes begin…

A slight hiccup of biblical proportions?santa and nativity scene

Let’s get those pesky Christians!

At times it appears as though this is what is happening all around. Well sometimes it is…20130720-091147.jpg

At Leicester Square:

Preaching in Leicester Square tonight with Josh and the team. It totally kicked off, the crowd got really hostile, but praise God, after reasoning with the authorities and standing our ground, we have been allowed to preach. Please pray the gospel would continue to go forth in grace and truth.-R. Hughes

via FB.

That moment when you realize ‘anger management’ isn’t working…

On a lighter note I hear humming loudly soothes the fury of a woman scorned…No?

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Did Mr Obama tell a ‘truthie’ to a little kid?

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I am yet to see a picture of the most powerful man tucking in a leafy lettuce or carrot. Maybe Snowden could help me unpack this one someday. However, that being said, a curious little ankle biter beat me to asking America’s suave and smooth talking one what his favourite dish is. With the proverbial hand over his heart he blurted it all out…or was someone economical with the truth? You see…

He made the disclosure at a White House event for children who had won a healthy recipe contest, as part of first lady Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign.
Having fun with the children, Mr Obama agreed to take two questions. The first child asked what was Obama’s favorite food. Broccoli was the presidential reply, according to a White House aide.
This from a politician who has literally eaten his way across the country: Burgers in a Washington suburb with Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev; ribs in Asheville, North Carolina; hot dogs at a basketball game in Dayton, Ohio; and a tasty pastry called a kringle in Wisconsin.

On that lighter note I think I must retire to my vegetable patch and grow some ….broccoli! I hear some American friends are coming to visit this neck of the woods; we will stock up on something Americans really really like! 😉

Wimbledon: Don’t watch tennis or you might lose your head.

On a lighter note. I think watching or playing Wimbledon Centre Court Tennis should come with a health warning. Somebody just lost his head…. 😉20130706-090155.jpg

‘Man of Steel’ sermon becomes ‘a hit’ on Father’s day.

man of steel sermon outline Apparently….

Hollywood marketers offered free screenings of “Man of Steel” to church leaders as well as sermon notes in an effort to highlight the film’s Christian themes.

Christian marketing firm Grace Hill Media sent out nine pages of sermon notes written by Pepperdine University professor and theologian Craig Detweiler to Christian pastors across the country, CNN reported Friday.

Grrr!!! Aren’t we simply an entertainment driven bunch of milk sops? Where are the great preachers of old like Charles Spurgeon and George Whitefield who spent more time in reading and studying Scripture as they prepared for the Lord’s day?

Do we have to pander to Hollywood? Yup,  only if you are a seeker sensitive pastor who wants to appear relevant. Actually, one wise deacon [see link above] put it in better words than I ever could:

P.J. Wenzel, a deacon and Sunday school teacher at Dublin Baptist Church in Ohio, said using “material pumped out from Hollywood’s sewers” to entertain congregants will result in people’s souls being neglected.

“Any pastor who thinks using `Man of Steel Ministry Resources’ is a good Sunday morning strategy must have no concept of how high the stakes are, or very little confidence in the power of God’s word and God’s spirit,” he said.

Jesus is Australian and goes by the name AJ?

We all know how IT guys think they are gods (insert smiley face here) but well here is one who is taking things literally and actually getting away with it:

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A man claiming to be Jesus is gaining followers and causing concern among cult experts in Australia.

Former IT specialist Alan John Miller, or AJ as he prefers to be known, runs a religious movement known as the Divine Truth from his home near the small town of Kingaroy in the state of Queensland.

Mr Miller claims that not only is he Christ, but his partner, Australian Mary Luck, is in fact Mary Magdalene, who according to the Bible was present at the crucifixion.

He told Sky News: “I have very clear memories of the crucifixion, but it wasn’t as harrowing for me as it was for others like Mary who was present.

“When you are one with God you are not in a state of fear, and you have quite good control over your body’s sensations and the level of pain that you absorb from your body.”

Mr Miller holds seminars near his home and also travels around the world teaching people how to have a personal relationship with God, often by delving deep into their emotions.

Dozens of his followers are understood to have bought properties in the area to be closer to him.

After his crucifixion the Australian claims he entered the spirit world where he met Plato, Socrates, popes and presidents.

Now, I didn’t see that coming. Jesus tucked away in the sunny out backs of Australia!

G’day, mates! Meet me in Kingaroy! Without further ado I am off to the land down under!

I always knew Oz was God’s own country – how dare you judge me when I now have confirmation from some one from IT? 😉

 

Eeeeeh!! Who Changed the Worship song?

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Ever turned on a radio station and found a nice song (read Contemporary Christian music) playing and then suddenly frozen while singing the distantly familiar words when you almost reached the end of some stanza? (Well, honestly I sometimes stop at the titles of some of the contemporary songs seeing how sentimental and romanticised most of them have become.) That aside… I couldn’t help laughing when I read of Tony-Allen’s “thorn in the side” moment. I thought such moments only happen to me:

[Tony-Allen:] So a while ago, I was at a worship service, and encountered the song “How He Loves.” As I was singing, I came to an abrupt halt when I encountered a specific lyric in the second verse:

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss…

I stopped singing because my jaw literally dropped to the floor at seeing those last words pop on the big screen. “Sloppy wet kiss”? Did someone seriously put “sloppy wet kiss” in the lyrics of a worship song?

…Read More!

Even Osteen Would Have Loved Polycarp Bishop of Smyrna

Smyrna 155 A.D-The night is cold and damp. There’s great anticipation that something is going to happen. It is the Asia minor city of Smyrna. There’s feasting around the corner. The proconsul Statius Quadratus is present, and the asiarch Philip of Tralles is presiding over the games. Eleven Christians have been brought, mostly from Philadelphia, to be put to death. This was the pattern of life in the first century –Anno Dommini.

But There’s More

Bring the Hymns!

On a lighter note…..20130421-170144.jpg

Tough times even in the Vatican…

Pope Benedict XI on a lighter note has officially resigned today (28th Feb 2013) from apparently tirelessly absolving sins and dragging souls out of purgatory…pope humor

…Read More!

Charles Spurgeon and Youth Ministry.

20130218-112701.jpg HT Friends on FB.

Need another Pope? Pick me! Pick me!

I must be growing old..and becoming a legend. I have seen several Popes come and go (and of recent wait for this) I have witnessed a Pope resign from service! It sure is an absolute rarity -and this has happened in my life time! Wasn’t it just the other day that the white smoke was puffed out of the Vatican chimneys to announce the installation of a new “man of God” with the zeal and enthusiasm of a spring chicken and the agility of a rabbit to absolve helpless sinners of their iniquities,  venerate saints and springboard helpless souls from purgatory? Wasn’t it just a wink ago that Pope Benedict XVI made his first tour of the world to declare his commitment? And just before any one can say ‘Smith Wigglesworth’ guess what he has declared:

Pope resigns… Pope Benedict XVI made the shock decision to quit the papacy because of his deteriorating health. [gasp!]

In a decision that has surprised even his closest aides, the 85-year-old Pontiff said his strength was ‘no longer adequate to continue in office due to his advanced age’.

He announced his resignation in Latin to a meeting of Vatican cardinals this morning, saying he did not have the ‘strength of mind and body’ to continue leading more than a billion Roman Catholics worldwide.

The decision is unprecedented. He is the first Pope to resign since Gregory XII in 1415 and no Pontiff in history has stepped down on health grounds. …Read More!

Ha! Louie Giglio the “Accidental Hero”?

louie-giglioA hundred to two hundred years ago (just like two thousand years ago) there were bold preachers who preached with Bibles laid wide open and read aloud the text for the people to hear the word of God. Most of these stood on street corners and market places and they reasoned and persuaded men to consider their ways in light of the holiness of God. In more recent times most ‘men of God’ prefer to be popular and few now preach on sin or even call people to repentance. It’s actually more lucrative to hold motivational lectures on personal self esteem and significance. These are topics that have fifty one shades of grey and are liked by the main stream audience.

Recently one popular conference speaker and pastor, Louie Giglio, was hand picked to offer his pastoral blessings and benediction at the soon coming presidential inauguration. An apparent invitation too big to turn down for the popular man of God. However what happened next can only be described as a comedy of errors. Sexual liberation groups picked on an old sermon preached over fifteen years ago on “repentance and sin” leading to Louie being dis invited (or did he dis invite himself?). Some pastors like John Piper were quick to tweet and  call him “a hero” but was he really?

Pastor Louie later [as noted by Ken Silva Apprising Ministries and  Chris Rosebrough of Fighting for the Faith radio in link and audio below] seemed to reluctantly admit that he no longer is keen on stressing some of the things he was passionate about: …Read More!

I have resolved to learn to play a musical instrument this year… Honest!

I will learn to play a musical instrument this year. I know my family have heard me say this every year. Truth is I always “mean it”. Sadly, and strange enough no one seems to have a clue what happened to the bass guitar I got or the electric piano or even the harmonica. Grrrr! Am really that bad?

Well, now I think I am pretty much really really really serious! Yes, and I am going to really reaaaaally prove every one (who thinks I am the world’s best procrastinator) wrong. Just wait till I have one more cup of tea and maybe tomorrow morning we will begin to tackle this one consuming passion.

Speaking of which I have dusted down my old Acoustic guitar, re-strung it, shone its fret board and ripped off a few chord lessons from music gurus ( thanks You-tube)! I know a few skeptics are stifling giggles in the next room (my five year old daughter sighs and walks out of the room at this point as she has seen me go through this routine many times) – but I think by the end of this year I can be as good as the kid in the photo. 🙂

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Do you have any links or advice for a beginner with an Acoustic guitar? Please help me out A.S.A.P ( I have less than 365 days before I am made to take the sad chief procrastinator’s title for another year running).

10 Ways To Successfully Botch An Altar Call.

The list is long but I could only fit in 10 ways to botch an altar call (I know this makes me sound like a disgruntled Arminian) :

  1. Present an unbalanced message. Only let them see the heart-warming part of God’s character. Preach God’s love but leave out His holiness and justice. That way they’ll think He’ll let them into heaven no matter what.
  2. Don’t mention repentance until they’re repeating a “sinner’s prayer.” Just get them to say, “I repent of all my sins” while they’re echoing you. They won’t know what they’re saying and they won’t count the cost.
  3. Above all else, be dignified. Don’t get heart to heart with the people. They would get something out of what you said.
  4. Skim over the gospel and push the prayer. Pretend the lost naturally understand what Christ has done for them.
  5. Preach Jesus as a life enhancer not a life rescuer. Tell them how Jesus can improve their life but don’t show them Jesus as the only One who can save them from Hell. People will think if they reject Him they’re only losing out on a spiritual high. Read More!

Dear soccer fans, if the world were to end today (21st December 2012)

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It’s a few minutes past 11.00Am and it’s the 21st December 2012. Nothing has happened here! Nothing happened in Australia (who are rather doing well down under and enjoying 22nd December) by the way. But a little chuckle about this Mayan calender craze and a hat tip to soccer fans for this rib cracker.

If the world were to end on the 21st December 2012, the only place you would want to be is next to Sir Alex Ferguson. He ALWAYS gets extra time! ~ Anonymous soccer fan

By the look of things we seem to be in ‘Fergie time’ now. 🙂

 

A Seeker Sensitive Church Expansion Plan?

On a lighter note:

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Ten Myths of Church Growth.

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Church growth strategies have been named many things by many pastors. Others call it “vision casting” others call it being “purpose driven” and others merely call it what it is….pragmatism. I came across these ten interesting myths that made me chuckle:

1. If You’re Not Growing, Something’s Wrong
If growth and a bigger crowd is “always” the result of obedience then some of the OT prophets will have some serious explaining to do.
Of course, if you’re not growing—or you’re declining—I think it is cause to evaluate what you’re doing, but it’s not a given that something is always “wrong.”
God could be doing something different—more Jeremiah and less Peter…

2. The More You Grow, the Healthier You Are
We would love to believe this one. It certainly feels good to have a bigger crowd. There’s a built-in justification for ministry leaders when more people show up, I know. However, just because your church has more people attending doesn’t mean your church is completely healthy. In fact, it might be cause to closely evaluate the message the crowd is hearing…

3. Contemporary Music Will Save Your Church
It can help at times—depending on the community and the people you’re trying to reach—but it’s not always a help. In fact, sometimes it’s an obstacle.
Changing your music and the feel of your worship gathering should have a reason bigger than, “We want to reach young people!” or, “We want to stay hip.” Hopefully, the music you sing is an authentic expression of your distinct makeup as both a church and a community and not a grasp at straws for church growth. …Read More!

When America’s pastor endorses ‘Gangnam style’!

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When pastors keep a finger on the pulse of pop culture so as to set the pace for the church then do not be surprised when there becomes no difference between the sacred and the profane. If you look to “America’s pastor” to decide your purpose then he sure is doing a good purpose driven job…

Rick Warren is a megachurch pastor, international speaker, and best-selling author of the bestselling hardback non-fiction book in history, The Purpose Driven Life. Outside of coordinating global peace efforts and Bible study curriculum for his 20,000+ member non-denominational Christian congregation in Southern California, he’s tracking popular trends and publicly declaring his affinity for South Korean artist Psy’s K-pop song “Gangnam Style.” According to Twitter, “Gangnam Style” has been his ringtone since July 20.

[Apparently] “Gangnam Style,” a song by South Korean artist Psy, recently became the most-viewed YouTube video EVER, with over 826 million views as of this month (overtaking my man, J Biebs’, “Baby” video). The “Gangnam Style” dance is now a global phenomenon, with thousands buying, playing, and dancing to it on a weekly basis.

The world seems to be having a lot more influence on the American church these days. Reminds me of when one man in anguish lamented, “If God withdrew the Holy Spirit tomorrow, my church would function just the same; we wouldn’t even know He was gone.”
Oh my anguish!

Laughing out loud when reading the Bible…

Funny list of Bible riddles (or rather misapplied hermeneutics)

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out A little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Read more of this post

Theologians Answer: Why did the chicken cross the road?

On a lighter note, I hear the chicken crossed the road and there is now a grand theological debate to find out why ‘the chicken crossed the road’…

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Greg Boyd: It’s a possibility that the chicken crossed the road.

TD Jakes: A manifestation of the Chicken crossed the road for his blessings.

Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.

Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed because of the rooster’s leadership.

Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so that he could be all that God created him to be.

Creflo Dollar: God told the chicken that if he clucked, “That land across the road is mine!,” he could claim it. He crossed the road to take possession.

Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.

John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory.

Billy Graham: The chicken was surrendering all.

Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.

Chris Rosebrough: It was a pirate chicken!

Steven Furtick: You can’t tell chicken to stand still. They are spontaneous!

Universalist: All chickens cross the road.

Annihilationist: The chicken was hit by a car and ceased to exist.

Fred Phelps: God hates chickens!

Read more of this post

To catch fish, you must think like ’em!

A purpose driven idea

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If you’re going to be good at fishing, you’ve got to learn to think like a fish. If you’re going to be an effective fisher of men, you’ve got to think like a lost person. Here’s the problem. Unfortunately, the longer you are a Christian, the less you think like an unbeliever…To catch fish, you’ve got to know their habits, their preferences, and their feeding patterns. Certain fish like smooth water. Others are bottom crawlers. Some like rushing water. Others hide under rocks. You’ve got to know what the fish you’re trying to reach like to do. If you’re going to understand and reach non-Christians, you’ve got to begin with their mindset.-Rick Warren

Still scratching my head till I can get my hair cut straight enough to become hip and “relevant”. I think I will reach there next year! Trying!!

Sometimes kicking a soccer ball that’s on fire can make you “more spiritual”…I think!

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I have never thought that kicking a ball that is burning with vivid scorching flames would make one more spiritual. How does a soccer match make you “more spiritual”? Thanks for asking, you see…

For these players have been preparing for these football matches for 21 days – praying and fasting and learning to ‘tame fire’.
When they are ready, the tough 60 minutes of football begins – played in bare feet with a burning coconut which has been soaked in kerosene for two days. The burning matches take place over 60 minutes – and the players may go through four coconuts before the game is over.
Each coconut soaks for two days, ensuring it is drenched with flames and ready to burn.
Then the players place the ball in the centre-spot, and prepare to play – lighting a match to the match-day ball.

Read more of this post

The Arminian’s Dictionary (as seen by a Calvinist)

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Some Arminians were kind enough to help the world out by giving them a dictionary of Calvinist terms (see here). In the spirit of brotherly love, the Calvinist’s did the same:

All (1): All always means all. Yup, Jesus died for every single human, including those already dead and in hell, and even including himself.

All (2): (as to sin) If its related to sin, “all” doesn’t include babies.

Amazing Grace: Horrible song composed by a Calvinist. Teaches wretched “doctrines of grace.”

Argument (1): The mean things Calvinists do, means: a group of propositions wherein the truth of one is asserted on the basis of the evidence furnished by the others.

Argument (2): An unfortunate term for how Arminians lovingly discuss the glorious truth of Scripture, means: if it feels good, it probably is.

Arminius, Jacob: The first church father.

Assurance: Keep trying, hopefully you’ll make it, but since you have libertarian free will, you could just flip sides one day. Never can tell. …Read More!

You might be Lutheran if…

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You might just be Lutheran if

…during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.

…when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.

…during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday.

…rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.

…you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.

…a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one. …Read More!

Church Bulletin Bloopers.

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On a lighter note, next time you listen to announcements or read the Church bulletin you might double up in laughter. Looking back at some bloopers, here are some Lutheran reminders

·For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

·Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

·Evening massage – 6 p.m.

·The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

·Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

·Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help. …Read More!

The Missionary who forgot his message.

One big danger facing evangelism in our day is that we focus on too many gimmicks (entertainment e.t.c) that by the time we come to the gospel message we have forgotten our mission. You do not have to go very far to see churches “trying to be relevant”: 20121003-101911.jpg

HT friends on FB.

Speaking of Hysterical Artefacts!

On a lighter note there are more historical artefacts being dug up this week. Or is it hysterical artefacts? 🙂20120921-223725.jpg

HT Sacred Sandwich

The new Emergent Bible is out!

Yup, the new Emergent Bible is out and it’s leaner…

20120912-095344.jpg Wait till you see the revised edition. I hear it even has no Contents! 😉

The Contemporary Evangelical Christian…cares little about doctrine. Nuff said!

The message that one gets from the questionable theological liaisons is that doctrine doesn’t matter. You can have a Reformed soteriology, but hold onto an Arminian ecclesiology, believe in a non-trinitarian quasi- modalist definition of the God head and even have an Emergent missiology. Who cares about doctrine? Be…..pragmatic!

You don’t have to stay true to your orthodox convictions. Just blend in and appear cool…with a swagger. …Read More!

Human Nature Summed up in One Photo.

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The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? ~Jeremiah 17:9

A church service …in the not distant future.

 

On a lighter note on the i-church…

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Where is “Link” when you need it?

On a lighter note…

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Do not use your children as a sermon illustration…

Do no use your children as a sermon illustration or else…. 😉

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HT: Friends on FB.

Those Calvinists!!!

Sarcasm intended….

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HT: Friends on FB.

Scary Costumes for Christians

On a lighter note I think you will like the disclaimer that comes with these scary costumes 😉

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HT: Learning and Living The God Centered Life

On the Road to Emmaus with Rick Warren (While Tweeting)

There’s never a dull day when Rick Warren gets to tweet ‘pearls of wisdom’. He is the Evangelical pope isn’t he? He is of course America’s pastor and what he says will trend in the high ways and byways of evangelicalism. Ever since we exchanged our bibles for that good, well written and inspired church growth purpose driven manual of his we have never looked back.
Why do many people think that Jesus was the fulfilment of the old testament prophecy and expectations? They think He is the one that the Bible is all about! And I am very happy that Rick put these people back in their place with a very well timed ‘tweet’. And that settles it. Yippee!

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If only I could walk with a wise man like Rick on the road to Emmaus and he would exegete Scripture. I would ask him to begin in the Old to the New Testament and explain to me what verses like these ones by (umm Jesus) mean:

And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, He expounded to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning Himself. (Luke 24:27)
You search Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of me (John 5:39)

Oops! Those verses will make him put his foot in his mouth! …Read More!

10 signs you are no longer Young, Restless and Reformed.

On a lighter note…don’t read this while sipping coffee infront of your computer:

Sign #1: You’ve given up smoking your pipe because you want to actually be able to afford term life insurance.

Sign #2: Your ‘Jonathan Edwards is My Homeboy’ shirt is faded and now simply reads, ‘Jonathan Edwards is My Home.”

Sign #3: You now read your ESV Bible more than you read John Piper.

Sign #4: You’ve considered writing a book (for P&R rather than Crossway), Old, Well-Rested, and Reformed. [Copyright: Adam Parker, 2010] (You want the name, Collin Hansen!? Come back in 30 years and just try to get it!)

Sign #5: You find yourself warning newbies about ‘the cage stage,’ and then you find yourself reminiscing about terrorizing unsuspecting Arminians back in your day.

Sign #6: You actually know who Van Til is.

Sign #7: You have decided that is is okay to plod.

Sign #8: Your iPod now has more sermons by Sinclair Ferguson than it does of Mark Driscoll. …Read More!

And then the worship leader set his guitar on fire…and there was a glory cloud!

On a lighter note:

Hank:  Did you boys hear all of that racket & commotion this morning at church? It was like a bomb went off on the stage, I tell you what…

Dale:  Hank, that is what we contemporary worshippers call praise &
worship music.

Bill:  I kind of liked it when the guitar player set his guitar on fire while he played the solo to     In-A-Godda-Da-Vida.

Boomhauer:  I tell you what, man, that ol’ boy, he played that, boom! …that wuz good stuff.

Re blogged from The Truthinator’s blog.

Olsteen renounces prosperity gospel and calls out false teachers!

A local pastor Jodwell K. Olsteen has renounced prosperity gospel in a sudden turn of events. Known for his sell out stadium events that always drew the elite of society and celebrities, this is surely out of character for the always smiling and positive talking pastor.

In a press release circulated around Hollywood the remorseful man of God said he had come to realise the depth of his own depravity and sin. He had realised he had given many people false hope in preaching “prosperity for all” in the name of Jesus. Jodwell said that the prosperity gospel preachers create a ponzi scheme. He likened it to clouds with out water and a road to no where. But his biggest remorse came from the fact that his messages had corrupted the gospel and inoculated people to the message of the cross. Hence forth, Mr Olsteen’s ministry has been dissolved the money has been used to buy bibles for Christians in North Korea and the rest donated anonymously to churches in Timbuktu and Kwazulu Natal (Africa). If he has defrauded any one he has requested that the person be re-paid four times the original value. Mr J. K Olsteen listed a number of former cronies and millionaire pastors and called them out to preach more about “sin, righteousness and judgement”.

Visitors to the pastor’s website were greeted by this Puritan poem prayer:

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.    –The Deeps, A Puritan Prayer

Majors news outlets still cannot deny or confirm the validity of all these accounts. Some say this could just be a satirical prank. But could it be true? 🙂

DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS, NAMES, LIKENESSES AND EVENTS IN THIS STORY—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD MAY BE PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Sinking deeper into the morality vacuum.

If we use our own feelings to define our moral boundaries then the options are endless. The depth of insanity is bottomless. Anything goes as long as it feels right. Who then will say no when some one wakes up with an idea like this one?

A carer from London says she has ditched men for good – after falling in love with a statue. The object of her affection is a three-foot moulding of the Greek God Adonis that she bought for £395.

Reighner Deleighnie, 40, has been in a relationship with the statue for six months and spends hours every day with her Carrara marble boyfriend, which heats up with touch.

Reighner named her companion Hans because the Pointer Sisters’ hit song Slow Hand was playing in the cab the day she brought him home.

She enjoys reading and talking to her companion, and keeps him close by when she watches television and eats dinner.

She also kisses and caresses him, imagining the pair of them walking through meadows of wildflowers or at the seaside. …Read More!

Preparing a modern day sermon…

After perfecting his visually stunning gimmick, Pastor Antics only had to desperately look for a bible verse to tag along to the message…

Dear worshippers please get insurance before you come to church.

Interesting things are happening in some Charismatic circles. Churches are getting sued and yes even the “holy ghost” too. Let me explain, you see:

A parishioner at the Disciple Fellowship Christian Church in East St. Louis, Ill., claims the spirit moved another worshiper so much during service that she caused others to tumble over backwards into her, causing injuries. Now she’s suing the church for damages.

Cheryl Jones alleges in a complaint filed in December that she was visiting the church when member of the congregation received the “spirit” during praise and worship and with no ushers or members to assist, the parishioner fell backwards knocking several members into the plaintiff, who was injured falling to the floor. …Read More!

Eddie Long gets dressed in gawdy outfit and is coronated king of…umm the Jews?

If I woke you up and told you that controversial Bishop of New Birth church, Eddie Long was crowned king I bet you would ask if I have had a fever. Well, not only was he crowned king but he also got dressed in some despicable out fit and was paraded in front of adulating worshipers. The “humble man” of God was only too pleased to oblige as Ralph Messer (who claims to be a Rabbi bringing Torah truth to Christians) with a couple of supposed Jews masqueraded with garb and old bits of scrolls declared how worthy and anointed Bishop and “king” Long is to read sacred scriptures inscribed there in. I kid you not. Though I have a head ache now.

Mix Word of Faith into your theology with a good dose of belief in an open canon and sure enough you are bound to get a “fresh revelation”. Paul was right:

Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons. 1 Timothy 4:1

I still can’t resist laughing at the ring of his new found title “king bishop” Eddie Long. …Read More!

The five points of Arminianism made (freely) easy.