A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

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Tag Archives: Satire

One good reason why hearing the Shepherd’s voice is hard.

HT Jim McMaster via Facebook

If only I could defeat Calvinism.

Here is a humorous video (with awesome royal marching music in the background) illustrating a number classic errors that are frequently used by opponents of Calvinism.

HT Turretin Fan

We got a new youth pastor! He ticks all the boxes! Check him out! (Satire)

Who would believe it? Just exegete this slo-mo walk as he practices to walk on stage to the pulpit on sunday. 😉

HT J. Taylor via Facebook

Wrong ways of getting purpose driven ideas for Sunday’s sermon.

 

Hmmm?

Best Rapture Caption Ever?

Just a humorous picture I came across. I know it will get both Premillennialists and Amillennialists doubled over in stitches…and some Post Millennialists and Preterists too.( Okay plus partial Preterists as well…but not Atheists)  🙂 Read More

How to become a Christian Hipster (Satire).

An instructional video at last:

PS: No animals were harmed in the making of this product. (One’s gotta add a disclaimer on every video so as to appear relevant and green) 🙂

And the church bowed to pressure from Facebook that year…

What do you know?

For Once I Agree with the Emergents. Don’t You?

Finally I agree…and I see their view point. Don’t you?
[HT Chad Hunt via Facebook]

The “slightly dead” in trespasses Arminian brother.

After a thorough examination by Arminian church officials, Bob was found to be only “slightly dead” in trespasses and sins.
[HT Reformed Gene via Facebook]

Yo, Worship the King?

On a lighter note: In fear of losing his job to a contemporary praise band, church organist Ernest Cleghorn wowed the congregation with his hip hop rendition of “Yo, Worship the King”.

I sure would love to hear him do the Hip hop version of  “A Mighty Fortress is Our God”. Wouldn’t ya? 😉

[HT Reformed Gene via Facebook]

I Claim it! I Claim it! And I Claim an iPhone 4S!

Okay if God really loves me He is just going to…no He must give me what I want! And I want THAT iPhone 4S! It’s voice controlled, I can talk to it and ask it tomorrow’s weather.  You talk to it and it does all you want it to do. It has an eight-megapixel camera. Surely if God loves me (like he loves David Cameron and Obama who also have iPhones) he will let me throw my teeny weeny good for nothing old phone that I have to press to my wonky ears even when I am walking to church -and get me this i-Phone 4S. Only that…

Life would be so much simpler if they invented an app to save you queuing for a new iPhone. But yesterday the only way the world’s techno-hungry masses could guarantee being among the first to own the latest toy from Apple was to stand in line.

And so, in extraordinary scenes that bordered on iMania, hundreds of thousands of gadget-worshippers laid siege to Apple stores across the country and around the globe to get their hands on the iPhone 4S. Many camped out and queued for more than 24 hours. One emerged joyfully from the store in Covent Garden after doorstepping it for ten days and nights. At the nearby flagship Regent Street branch, more than 1,000 snaked around crush barriers and police were called to marshal the crowd. Read more of this post

Job Opening: Pastor with a great sense of Humor

In the age we live in, nobody is going to care about how much ‘bible’ the speaker knows. They are going to relate to how funny his stories are we say. That’s why a good sense of humor is kind of like the new ‘doctrine’. It’s kindda what your church falls or stands on, right?

[HT Old Truth]

Worst Excuse for Attending a Mega Church…

Uh, every body goes there!

6 Guaranteed Methods for Starting a “Mega -Church” or Get Your Money Back!

Well, well, well. I would have loved to have come up with these patented methods but some body beat me to them. But I was close though. 😉 So, do you….

Image is everything...Try 3-D!

Want to be in a Mega-Church? Want to start one? Want to know how to function like a Mega-Church? Here are 666 ways. (Ooops my 6 key stuck, sorry, I meant: 6 ways.)

1. Insist on a lack of specificity. Can we be honest here? The more specific you are with doctrine, the more detailed your statement of faith – the more likely you will make some uncomfortable or confused. Solution? Be very VERY general. For instance, under “Beliefs” use a small list. Maybe four items. (1) We believe in God (2) We love Jesus (3) People are important (4) We have no expectations. Now I ask you, how can you lose with that? That would barely offend an ACLU lawyer.

2. Sing a LOT of songs and have talented, professional quality musicians and singers. Sing a LOT of songs. Don’t sing the old dirge hymns, sing things that are peppy and fast. Sing a LOT of songs. Don’t emphasize doctrinal content like the old hymns, make the songs subjective. …Read More!

How Not to Prepare a Sermon. Ever!

Sadly, I fear this is how some preachers prepare sermons.

[HT Rick Ianniello]

Dear God, can I get that Lamborghini…for our church?

If you are given to health, wealth and prosperity gospel making dubious prayers then I have one more request for you. Name and claim this now! Don’t look at the picture of the world’s first super bus. It’s been made to grace the speed of a Lamborghini but embrace the soft and finer comforts of a luxury jet. It could make a good means of transport to go on state banquets missions and show off to other celebrities “to preach the gospel” if you are a millionaire televangelist. For other earthlings and lesser mortals, who want to know more …

You might be waiting a while for one of these to pull up at the local bus stop. This is the world’s first super bus, crafted with state-of-the-art materials which seats 23 passengers and had a top speed of 155mph (250km/h).

Developed in Holland by an astronaut and a former Formula One aerodynamics expert, the midnight-blue, electric-powered vehicle costs £7 million and was flown to the United Arab Emirates where it will be used by a sheikh.

The high-tech bus means he will be able to complete the 75-mile commute from Dubai to neighbouring Abu Dhabi in under 30 minutes.

Made of lightweight materials including aluminium, carbon fibre, fibreglass and polycarbonate, it is 49ft long (15 metres), 8ft wide (2.5 metres) and 5ft 5in high (1.65 metres). …Read More!

Best (Descriptive) Witness Clip Ever!

There are conversations in the Bible that are so entertaining. The first that comes to mind is the conversation that takes place on the road to Emmaus.

As they (two disciples) talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.  He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?” Luke 24:15-17

I can imagine how this guy would have described the death, burial and resurrection of Christ if he was on that road to Emmaus too. Watch this:

He would make a good witness, huh? 😉

Spontaneous Baptisms: Why I like Steven Furtick!

Every generation has its wild eyed enthusiast who grabs hold of the coat tails of a principle and swings the tides of history. Wow! Can I ever stop blushing after hearing what Steven Furtick has ushered into evangelicalism? Yup, even Charles Finney would not have come up with such an ingenius idea. The best Finney did was to leave us with introduction of altar calls. (Okay yes, plus crumbs in decisional regeneration in his classic sermon “Sinners bound to change their own hearts”). But this goes even further. Spontaneous baptisms! My jaw dropped down to my ankles in amazement when I read that

At Elevation Church in the summer of 2011, we saw one of the most audacious acts in the history of this church.

We believe in baptism at Elevation Church, and we believe every person who has made a decision to follow Christ should be baptized. And to give as many people the opportunity to get baptized, we decided to spontaneously baptize people. We provided an opportunity to get baptized… on the spot.

We baptized 2,158 people over 2 weekends. It was unbelievable. It was audacious.

If you’d like to find out more of what we did to make the baptisms a success, we’ve made everything available to you to download for free right here.[Editor: Link removed by a hater! Possibly a Calvinist!] …Read More!

Pack ’em to the Rafters: Here comes the i-Pew or Bunk Pew!

Hooray! Hooray! It’s here! The ultimate pew is out now!

Terms and conditions: A word of caution to you sleepy heads and …Read More!

That NASA Satellite You Didn’t See!

On lighter note: What are the odds that a falling satellite will kill you?  Probably zero — but your car may not be safe. Lol.

Listening to a pastor being Interviewed (Satire)

With the tongue firmly planted in cheek…

The Interview (Satire)A group of church elders (all in their 20s) interviewed a candidate for senior pastor. They asked about the experience of the man who replied that he had 30 years of expositional Bible teaching experience and that many had been saved & discipled under his watchcare. Yawning, the chair of the elders replied, “Look Dude, that’s sort of impressive and all but here at Elevation Station (formerly Calvary Baptist before converting to Emergent) it’s all about the beer, the bling, and the Bon Jovi. …Read More!

Help! I Think My Wife’s A Calvinist!

On a lighter note: Don’t adjust your screen – its just an oldie but a goodie!

For some reason my wife likes humming to this song. 😉

Guns ‘n Tulips (Satire)

On a lighter note: I almost did a Eutychus through my window in laughter when I saw this. Lol 🙂
Meet the latest in Calvinist garage-style church praise bands:  Guns ‘n TULIPs             Welcome to the jungle…

[HT Truthinator’s Blog]

The Pastor, The Vicar And The Atheist

On a lighter note:

One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says,” Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!” So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them. Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says,” Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!” And like the Pastor the Vicer exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait. When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells,” Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!” and proceeds to climb out of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this piont the Pastor says,” Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

Emergents: The Dog That Just Wont Bark.

I have always thought, why don’t emergents become clear and state what they mean and mean what they say.
  • For all their talk about community, Emergents are too individualistic to hang together.
  • For all their talk about conversation, Emergents mainly just like to hear themselves prattle.
  • For all their talk about humility, Emergents begin with an incorrigibly arrogant worldview.  
Then I realized they are just like that dog (on helium) that just wont bark…

Excerpt from Why the Emergent Movement Keeps Stalling [HT Phil Johnson]

13 Signs Your Sermon is NOT Going Well…

Couldn’t help chuckling over this list by Mike Wittmer about signs your sermon is not going well…

13.  Your associate pastor is warming up in the bullpen.

12.  The praise band begins playing you off the stage. …Read More!

The Gospel: Are We Clearly Missional or Clearly on A Mission?

There is some times a rather lax and laid back mood in some evangelical circles as to how to clearly preach or present the gospel. “Preach the gospel, if necessary use words,” they shout. Some say we should be “missional” (read doing several lovely things i.e social justice, poverty eradication) and they have altogether dropped the word “missions”. I think we as Christians should never forget that we have been commanded to preach the gospel -for it alone is the power of God unto salvation.

Imagine the embarrassment that comes when your impressed neighbour eventually asks you, “so lovely, hard working christian missional guy who has for the last twenty years mowed my lawn, washed my cat, given my poodle a pedicure; what is the hope that lies in thee?”  And we stare back blankly; barely remembering why we even started such generous endevours. There is value (if we are evangelical) in being clear in our mission as well as our communication  – as this clip (though satirical) demonstrates:

“If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one go there unwarned and unprayed for.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon …Read More!

The Ever Changing Hermeneutics of The “Stop” Sign.

It seems I am the last one to always discover interesting bits on the net. Like this one…a little parable about hermeueutics, the art of interpretation (especially biblical interpretation), applied to a “Stop” sign:

Moroccan Stop Sign

1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign by knocking it over with his car, and thus ends the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

2. The Marxist refuses to stop because she sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict, since the bourgeois use the north-south route and obstruct the proletariat moving east-west.

3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn’t take it too seriously, he doesn’t feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

4. Average Catholics and mainline denominationalists don’t bother to read the sign but will stop if the car in front does. …There’s More!

Calvin Notches 52nd Best Dressed Man of All Time.

On a lighter note, apparently John Calvin is being remembered for being the 52nd best dressed man of all time. Or so they think.

Because the most famous minimalist in world history knew a man didn’t need expensive clothes or bright colors to convey authority. Black and white, worn with the requisite gravity, can be powerful and intimidating. Just look at the Secret Service. Or the Reservoir Dogs. ~MSN

 

Of course always take what ever fame and glory the world offers with a good pinch of salt.

A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet. [Prov 29:5] Read More

Prosperity Gospel Breaking News: Well We Now Have The Electronic Tithe ATM Booth!

New ideas are not usually bad. But in the wrong hands they can cause immense misery and defraud many innocent people. Just imagine a machine like in the wrong hands. Yes, thats my concern…

Open Air Preaching: Can I Get a Segway For Ray Comfort?

There are several people who have impacted my life in different ways. God has brought me to listen to very insightful teachings that have shaped me and are continually reforming my personal life in ways I probably cannot illustrate. One or two years ago I was searching for tracts online and I landed on a sermon that has always been an inspiration to me. Hell’s Best Secret by Ray Comfort is akin to Keith Green’s classic song Alseep in the Light-once you listen to them they continue to replay in your mind. They are evangelistic anthems so to speak. If you have ever listened to this sermon, you will agree with me it should be broadcast loud and clear, down every byway and highway, every church yard and barn yard needs to resound with this message. Maybe I should get him a Segway for open airpreaching…or well maybe standing on a good old salt box will just do all the same 😉 [The Transcript: Hell’s Best Kept Secret] Read More

When Another Televangelist Laughs his way to The Bank

Deception has been one of the oldest games since Eve fell foul in the garden of Eden. The most immediate reaction is usually why didn’t God step in at that moment and in one blaze of purple and blue smoking lightning zap the fruit and serpent into an ashen crisp or vapour? Why didn’t God realize that the serpent would be slithering his way into the garden sooner or later? Then how about in the modern day church, why are there heretics with wacky theology thriving in pulpits and on Christian television? Why do they seem to have larger followings, draw higher ratings and yet they seem to be delving in utter rank deception? Where is God when another false teacher or prophet panders his way through the pockets of innocent people? Well, thanks for asking. I came a cross an excerpt from A.W Pink that may perchance shed some light on what scripture says: Read More

Wiki Leaks May be Good for The church

Tough week as the weather regurgitated almost all the snow it had in its innards. And so did Wiki leaks threaten to unleash all the alleged secret thoughts and prejudices that the Washington administration forgot to mark as ‘classified’. It was reminiscent of goo-covered Jonah being spat from the belly of a fish -sea weed and all onto the shores of Nineveh. There is always that naked emptiness when our inner thoughts are laid bare and put to the scrutiny of a moral code. A feeling, ironically that, we have been wronged by the act itself however noble the intended purpose. Read More

Church of England Blunder: 1 Million Now Have Invalid Marriages

I was rudely awoken this morning by my wife. It being Thanksgiving in America this week I thought we mere mortals in the rest of the world would at least get a wink of sleep and tranquillity as America feasted on stuffed turkey. Not so. Well, my  beautiful wife showed me this headline article that suggests that apparently over one million husbands and wives in England should now head once again up or rather down the aisle to repeat their marriage vows. Yeah, exciting stuff. But why? Was God asleep when they were married and joined in Holy matrimony before Him? No, apparently Church of England vicars have not been choosing their words right for the last thirty years: Read More

Israel: Look No Pat Downs or Scanners.

A month that has left all my friends in America loathing the TSA. What with all the pat downs and rigorous body searches at the airports? And those hideous scanner machines that only Hugh Hefner would adore. Then theres been the disease scare that one contaminated or disease carrying terrorist could start a fungal or anthrax pandemic as one pair of gloves is used to search a gazillion other passengers. The black helicopter and conspiracy theories are endless.

The only people who havent noticed the long queues are probably prosperity pastors with private jets and journalists. Or so I thought until Michael J. Totten an independent foreign correspondent  made an interesting deduction about the excellence of the Israeli airpot security: Read More

Carlifornia to legalise Marijuana and Ban Circumcision?

Gone are the days when Arnold  Schwarzenegger the stopped the bad guys at the city gates, trashed their guns with one finger and swept them with one perk of his eye brow. Now as the 38th Governor of California its hilarious what the State is coming up with every other day.

(CNN) — In the California city that banned Happy Meal toys,outlawed sitting on sidewalks during daylight hours and fined residents for not sorting garbage into recycling, compost and trash, Lloyd Schofield wants to add a new law to the books in San Francisco: A ban on all male circumcisions. Yeah, right! Read More

Christian Fads: Did WWJD give Way to New “Marked” Bracelet?

'Marked' Bracelet

A while ago every Christian celebrity donned a WWJD bracelet. A fad that no doubt generated loads of money. The phrase was “What would Jesus do?” (often abbreviated to WWJD) as a supposed personal motto for Christians who used the phrase as a reminder of Jesus and what he would do in the 1990s.

One fad will always be replaced by another. The meanings and symbolism attached to the different fads may sometimes change to become more inclusive. If you asked the modern day Roman catholic what a rosary is he would strip his chest bare and show you a set of beads with a cross attached. Not many would explain that the word rosary actually comes from Latin and means a garland of roses, the rose being one of the flowers used to symbolize the Virgin Mary.  But There’s More

The Back Slider’s Anthem

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may Read More

Krunking it up: Youth Pastors Gone Wild!

While muslims are teaching their kids to recite the qur’an cover to cover, lets see what Christian children get to do with their youth pastors. In desperate bid to appear relevant and cool some youth pastors seem to be krunking it up a notch. And sadly there’s little time or none spent studying the Bible. Or I could just be wrong.
There’s More

Why doesn’t The Pope Make Altar Calls?

I remember when I was younger I walked down countless altar calls at crusades. Said numerous sinners’ prayers. But was I flirting with the grace of God? I don’t know. Did I feel bad about my sin? You bet. With every sermon about sin the hair at the back of my neck would get bristly and cold sweat would trickle down my arm pit. I had a deep fear of God. But I don’t think I repented or even turned from sin.

This week the Pope’s been visiting the United Kingdom. It’s interesting to see how many catholic friends are hanging on to every word he speaks. In him they live and move and have their being. Others listen with tears and others with smiles. If he told the crowd to jump off a cliff no doubt hundreds would with out hesitation fling their heels into the marrow of the winds. I have a mischievous idea. If the Pope made an altar call, how many people would walk forward? But There’s More

Even Pastors Are Happy As CNN’s Larry King Retires?

Several pastors are taking deep sighs and smirking as Larry King retires from CNN’s Larry King Live show. The show has in the past left several famous celebrities and pastors red faced. Though critics claim that Larry King asks “soft” questions in comparison to other interviewers, this has not been without a long brigade of pastors getting tongue tied when asked what the Gospel is. Larry’s style has never been offensive, for which I will truly applaud him. It  allows him to reach guests who would be averse to being interviewed.

Ladies and gentlemen without further ado: Read More

Stephen Hawking Could Be Right!

Stephen William Hawking, CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA,  the world’s most beloved British theoretical physicist and cosmologist has officially declared that he has made God redundant. God did not even create the universe, Stephen Hawking revealed recently. To put an end to this God once and for all he has written a book The Grand Design.

What are we in for now? Evolution or Desolation?

It is perhaps a bit rich for Hawking to make Read More

What Happened To The Notting Hill Carnival?

The leaves are slowly turning golden, the year is far gone. One sure way of keeping track of summer is to wait for the Notting Hill carnival in London. It officially reminds you that the good old summer sunshine has ebbed. Since 1966, this annual celebration has united the West Indian community and attracted millions from all over the world. The atmosphere has always been colourful and vibrant with steel drum bands, calypso, reggae and everything Caribbean. Not to forget the aromatic food as the crowds sing along to Bob Marley’s No woman, no cry. But There’s More

We Still Want Our Goat!

Ever reached late for a fancy dress party and upon arrival in your frilly loin cloth and ‘Jonah’ T-shirt some one whispers to you, “Didn’t you get the last minute memo this morning that it would be a black tie and suit evening party?” That is when it really hits you square in the face. What was I even thinking  to get into a loin cloth?  I must be a naive goat. That is one of the first hiccup steps to   maturity from juvenile delinquency. Read More

Web mobile photos that reveal secrets

It’s a little over two thousand years ago that Judas Iscariot left his calling card with the chief priests. In the modern day twenty first century setting you don’t even have to have a best friend or wayward disciple to betray you or your privacy. Speaking of which privacy has suncobsciously become a thing of the past. Anybody at a click of a button can know who you are, where you live, your social networking profile, who your friends are and what you like. But There’s More

‘Forget the pizza parties,’ Teens tell churches

The butterfly effect is a term used in Chaos Theory to describe how tiny variations can affect giant systems, and complex systems, like weather patterns. For example, it is said that a butterfly flapping its wings in a jungle in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas.

A couple of years ago we leavened up the unleavened bread of Christianity. A little nip here and a tuck there. We created a brand of Hip and Cool Christianity not only smooth but market savvy. Relevant. We used reproducible and successful entrepreneurial church growth models to bring as many people into the church complexes as possible.

However, if the recent trend of events is anything to go by, it seems God has gone on a hiatus and left the youths playing peekaboo in the night. Recent statistics show that  there is an increasing exodus of young people from churches, especially after they leave home and live on their own. In a 2007 study, Lifeway Research determined that 70% of young Protestant adults between 18-22 stop attending church regularly. Some critics have attributed this yo-yo effect to the perils of hipster Christianity. Read More

World Soccer Bans Vuvuzela!!

No samba, no chanting and best of all-no vuvuzela! These sound like the in house rules of a  ballet dance or darts game and not a soccer game, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. The World Blind Soccer Championships are underway and I am up for them. Thinking of taking an extended leave till the Championships are over.

So, they have done away with the monotonous sonic assault of the vuvuzela from the  FIFA World cup. I know I  still have a buzz in my ears that the good doctor called ‘tinnitus’. Its like a heretic purpose driven resident bee is trying to settle an Olympics vendetta against a pack of charismatic crickets. But There’s More

Your Guide to Contemporary Christian Music

Ever wondered who worship is for? The Wittenburg Door has a good guide to understanding the mind numbing dynamics of contemporary Christian music. Plug your head phones in and grit your teeth…..

Christian music guide

Thank you for choosing to worship with us today. If you are from a church that uses traditional hymns, you may be confused. Please take a moment to read through this guide to contemporary Christian music.

In our church you will not hear “How Great Thou Art,” “Wonderful Grace of Jesus,” or “Like a River Glorious.” (Generally, hymns that have words like “Thou” are not used. They are too archaic and are normally replaced by words like “awesome” and “miry clay”). Yes, okay, we may do “Amazing Grace” or “Peace Like a River” at some point, but as a general rule we avoid songs with too many different verses or those that can’t be played easily on guitar and drums.

If you are new to worship here, you may wish to know the reasons for this. One is that deep theological concepts do not belong in contemporary Christian worship. We frown on songs that change more than one or two words for each verse. For example, our version of “Holy is the Lord” consists of repeating that phrase six times per verse and then changing “Holy” to “Worthy,” “Mighty,” “Jesus” and finally changing “the” to “my.” Isn’t that much simpler to sing and easier to remember? Read More