A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

A local pastor Jodwell K. Olsteen has renounced prosperity gospel in a sudden turn of events. Known for his sell out stadium events that always drew the elite of society and celebrities, this is surely out of character for the always smiling and positive talking pastor.

In a press release circulated around Hollywood the remorseful man of God said he had come to realise the depth of his own depravity and sin. He had realised he had given many people false hope in preaching “prosperity for all” in the name of Jesus. Jodwell said that the prosperity gospel preachers create a ponzi scheme. He likened it to clouds with out water and a road to no where. But his biggest remorse came from the fact that his messages had corrupted the gospel and inoculated people to the message of the cross. Hence forth, Mr Olsteen’s ministry has been dissolved the money has been used to buy bibles for Christians in North Korea and the rest donated anonymously to churches in Timbuktu and Kwazulu Natal (Africa). If he has defrauded any one he has requested that the person be re-paid four times the original value. Mr J. K Olsteen listed a number of former cronies and millionaire pastors and called them out to preach more about “sin, righteousness and judgement”.

Visitors to the pastor’s website were greeted by this Puritan poem prayer:

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.    –The Deeps, A Puritan Prayer

Majors news outlets still cannot deny or confirm the validity of all these accounts. Some say this could just be a satirical prank. But could it be true? 🙂

DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS, NAMES, LIKENESSES AND EVENTS IN THIS STORY—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD MAY BE PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

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