A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

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Tag Archives: prosperity preachers

Prosperity preacher “Nick” says, “I ‘m Sorry”

Prosperity preachers and politicians are alike. They promise what they know they cannot fulfill. They say if you give them your votes you will see how they will make the birds sing louder, turn the grass green, make the sky blue and build bridges in deserts, make the chicken of farmers lay more eggs. Nick apparently made a couple of promises to students that he knew he wouldn’t keep….no, never keep. Once they gave him their votes and he had won the elections, he didn’t do what he promised – he actually did what the students had feared all along. Then the poor students realised they had been sold hot air. Nothing became of all the promises. So Nick was “poked” to explain…you will love this. He came clean…told them he had taken them for a long long ride.The students liked his embarrassing apology that they immortalised it in a hit song….
At least some one was honest! Who is next then? 😉

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Olsteen renounces prosperity gospel and calls out false teachers!

A local pastor Jodwell K. Olsteen has renounced prosperity gospel in a sudden turn of events. Known for his sell out stadium events that always drew the elite of society and celebrities, this is surely out of character for the always smiling and positive talking pastor.

In a press release circulated around Hollywood the remorseful man of God said he had come to realise the depth of his own depravity and sin. He had realised he had given many people false hope in preaching “prosperity for all” in the name of Jesus. Jodwell said that the prosperity gospel preachers create a ponzi scheme. He likened it to clouds with out water and a road to no where. But his biggest remorse came from the fact that his messages had corrupted the gospel and inoculated people to the message of the cross. Hence forth, Mr Olsteen’s ministry has been dissolved the money has been used to buy bibles for Christians in North Korea and the rest donated anonymously to churches in Timbuktu and Kwazulu Natal (Africa). If he has defrauded any one he has requested that the person be re-paid four times the original value. Mr J. K Olsteen listed a number of former cronies and millionaire pastors and called them out to preach more about “sin, righteousness and judgement”.

Visitors to the pastor’s website were greeted by this Puritan poem prayer:

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.    –The Deeps, A Puritan Prayer

Majors news outlets still cannot deny or confirm the validity of all these accounts. Some say this could just be a satirical prank. But could it be true? 🙂

DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS, NAMES, LIKENESSES AND EVENTS IN THIS STORY—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD MAY BE PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

How To Scare Church Members With A Law You Can’t Keep.

 

 

Is  tithing [click here for comprehensive article on tithing] for the New Testament believer? Don’t bother to tell me that giving is good. We know that. Will you tell me then that tithing gets you in the habit of giving so that God can anoint you? Here is a transcript of a popular mega church pastor, television prosperity teacher and personality explaining the importance of the tithe in maintaining…[oh just read on before I spoil it for you]

Creflo Dollar: Now, you know, we’re under the Blood of Jesus, so we can’t shoot and stone people like we used to. All we have to do is repent and God will forgive us and take us where we need to be. But I can tell you, man, if it wasn’t for the Blood, there’d be a whole lot of us being stoned and being in Hell right now over the tithe. But for [“if not for”?] the Blood of Jesus, we’d be doomed.

I mean, I thought about when we first built “The Dome,” I wanted to put some of those little moving bars and give everybody a little card. They’d stick it in a little computer slot. If they were tithing, beautiful music would go off and, you know, [Creflo sings] “Welcome, welcome, welcome to the World Dome.” [Congregation laughs.]

But…if they were non-tithers, the bar would lock up, the red and blue lights would start going, the siren would go off, and a voice would go out throughout the entire dome, “Crook, crook, crook, crook!” …Read More!