A Twisted Crown of Thorns ®

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Tag Archives: Satire

Israel: Look No Pat Downs or Scanners.

A month that has left all my friends in America loathing the TSA. What with all the pat downs and rigorous body searches at the airports? And those hideous scanner machines that only Hugh Hefner would adore. Then theres been the disease scare that one contaminated or disease carrying terrorist could start a fungal or anthrax pandemic as one pair of gloves is used to search a gazillion other passengers. The black helicopter and conspiracy theories are endless.

The only people who havent noticed the long queues are probably prosperity pastors with private jets and journalists. Or so I thought until Michael J. Totten an independent foreign correspondent  made an interesting deduction about the excellence of the Israeli airpot security: Read More

Carlifornia to legalise Marijuana and Ban Circumcision?

Gone are the days when Arnold  Schwarzenegger the stopped the bad guys at the city gates, trashed their guns with one finger and swept them with one perk of his eye brow. Now as the 38th Governor of California its hilarious what the State is coming up with every other day.

(CNN) — In the California city that banned Happy Meal toys,outlawed sitting on sidewalks during daylight hours and fined residents for not sorting garbage into recycling, compost and trash, Lloyd Schofield wants to add a new law to the books in San Francisco: A ban on all male circumcisions. Yeah, right! Read More

Christian Fads: Did WWJD give Way to New “Marked” Bracelet?

'Marked' Bracelet

A while ago every Christian celebrity donned a WWJD bracelet. A fad that no doubt generated loads of money. The phrase was “What would Jesus do?” (often abbreviated to WWJD) as a supposed personal motto for Christians who used the phrase as a reminder of Jesus and what he would do in the 1990s.

One fad will always be replaced by another. The meanings and symbolism attached to the different fads may sometimes change to become more inclusive. If you asked the modern day Roman catholic what a rosary is he would strip his chest bare and show you a set of beads with a cross attached. Not many would explain that the word rosary actually comes from Latin and means a garland of roses, the rose being one of the flowers used to symbolize the Virgin Mary.  But There’s More

The Back Slider’s Anthem

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may Read More

Krunking it up: Youth Pastors Gone Wild!

While muslims are teaching their kids to recite the qur’an cover to cover, lets see what Christian children get to do with their youth pastors. In desperate bid to appear relevant and cool some youth pastors seem to be krunking it up a notch. And sadly there’s little time or none spent studying the Bible. Or I could just be wrong.
There’s More

Why doesn’t The Pope Make Altar Calls?

I remember when I was younger I walked down countless altar calls at crusades. Said numerous sinners’ prayers. But was I flirting with the grace of God? I don’t know. Did I feel bad about my sin? You bet. With every sermon about sin the hair at the back of my neck would get bristly and cold sweat would trickle down my arm pit. I had a deep fear of God. But I don’t think I repented or even turned from sin.

This week the Pope’s been visiting the United Kingdom. It’s interesting to see how many catholic friends are hanging on to every word he speaks. In him they live and move and have their being. Others listen with tears and others with smiles. If he told the crowd to jump off a cliff no doubt hundreds would with out hesitation fling their heels into the marrow of the winds. I have a mischievous idea. If the Pope made an altar call, how many people would walk forward? But There’s More

Even Pastors Are Happy As CNN’s Larry King Retires?

Several pastors are taking deep sighs and smirking as Larry King retires from CNN’s Larry King Live show. The show has in the past left several famous celebrities and pastors red faced. Though critics claim that Larry King asks “soft” questions in comparison to other interviewers, this has not been without a long brigade of pastors getting tongue tied when asked what the Gospel is. Larry’s style has never been offensive, for which I will truly applaud him. It  allows him to reach guests who would be averse to being interviewed.

Ladies and gentlemen without further ado: Read More

Stephen Hawking Could Be Right!

Stephen William Hawking, CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA,  the world’s most beloved British theoretical physicist and cosmologist has officially declared that he has made God redundant. God did not even create the universe, Stephen Hawking revealed recently. To put an end to this God once and for all he has written a book The Grand Design.

What are we in for now? Evolution or Desolation?

It is perhaps a bit rich for Hawking to make Read More

What Happened To The Notting Hill Carnival?

The leaves are slowly turning golden, the year is far gone. One sure way of keeping track of summer is to wait for the Notting Hill carnival in London. It officially reminds you that the good old summer sunshine has ebbed. Since 1966, this annual celebration has united the West Indian community and attracted millions from all over the world. The atmosphere has always been colourful and vibrant with steel drum bands, calypso, reggae and everything Caribbean. Not to forget the aromatic food as the crowds sing along to Bob Marley’s No woman, no cry. But There’s More

We Still Want Our Goat!

Ever reached late for a fancy dress party and upon arrival in your frilly loin cloth and ‘Jonah’ T-shirt some one whispers to you, “Didn’t you get the last minute memo this morning that it would be a black tie and suit evening party?” That is when it really hits you square in the face. What was I even thinking  to get into a loin cloth?  I must be a naive goat. That is one of the first hiccup steps to   maturity from juvenile delinquency. Read More

Web mobile photos that reveal secrets

It’s a little over two thousand years ago that Judas Iscariot left his calling card with the chief priests. In the modern day twenty first century setting you don’t even have to have a best friend or wayward disciple to betray you or your privacy. Speaking of which privacy has suncobsciously become a thing of the past. Anybody at a click of a button can know who you are, where you live, your social networking profile, who your friends are and what you like. But There’s More

‘Forget the pizza parties,’ Teens tell churches

The butterfly effect is a term used in Chaos Theory to describe how tiny variations can affect giant systems, and complex systems, like weather patterns. For example, it is said that a butterfly flapping its wings in a jungle in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas.

A couple of years ago we leavened up the unleavened bread of Christianity. A little nip here and a tuck there. We created a brand of Hip and Cool Christianity not only smooth but market savvy. Relevant. We used reproducible and successful entrepreneurial church growth models to bring as many people into the church complexes as possible.

However, if the recent trend of events is anything to go by, it seems God has gone on a hiatus and left the youths playing peekaboo in the night. Recent statistics show that  there is an increasing exodus of young people from churches, especially after they leave home and live on their own. In a 2007 study, Lifeway Research determined that 70% of young Protestant adults between 18-22 stop attending church regularly. Some critics have attributed this yo-yo effect to the perils of hipster Christianity. Read More

World Soccer Bans Vuvuzela!!

No samba, no chanting and best of all-no vuvuzela! These sound like the in house rules of a  ballet dance or darts game and not a soccer game, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. The World Blind Soccer Championships are underway and I am up for them. Thinking of taking an extended leave till the Championships are over.

So, they have done away with the monotonous sonic assault of the vuvuzela from the  FIFA World cup. I know I  still have a buzz in my ears that the good doctor called ‘tinnitus’. Its like a heretic purpose driven resident bee is trying to settle an Olympics vendetta against a pack of charismatic crickets. But There’s More

Your Guide to Contemporary Christian Music

Ever wondered who worship is for? The Wittenburg Door has a good guide to understanding the mind numbing dynamics of contemporary Christian music. Plug your head phones in and grit your teeth…..

Christian music guide

Thank you for choosing to worship with us today. If you are from a church that uses traditional hymns, you may be confused. Please take a moment to read through this guide to contemporary Christian music.

In our church you will not hear “How Great Thou Art,” “Wonderful Grace of Jesus,” or “Like a River Glorious.” (Generally, hymns that have words like “Thou” are not used. They are too archaic and are normally replaced by words like “awesome” and “miry clay”). Yes, okay, we may do “Amazing Grace” or “Peace Like a River” at some point, but as a general rule we avoid songs with too many different verses or those that can’t be played easily on guitar and drums.

If you are new to worship here, you may wish to know the reasons for this. One is that deep theological concepts do not belong in contemporary Christian worship. We frown on songs that change more than one or two words for each verse. For example, our version of “Holy is the Lord” consists of repeating that phrase six times per verse and then changing “Holy” to “Worthy,” “Mighty,” “Jesus” and finally changing “the” to “my.” Isn’t that much simpler to sing and easier to remember? Read More